7 hours ago
3
Emilio* and Jessica* sat in front of me, disconnected and barely looking at each other. They had been together for seven years and had recently opened up their relationship and tried polyamory, upon Emilio’s suggestion. Jessica agreed to this, but it was not her first choice for how she wanted the relationship to be. They were now in a crisis, as betrayals and secrets had occurred before and during the attempts at this new relationship configuration.
In my practice as a psychologist, a helpful question I often ask my clients is: “Is the configuration of this relationship working for you?”
Much of the time when people come to see me either alone or as a couple, issues within their relationship are impacting their mental health and wellbeing.
Unsurprisingly, with the increased awareness of different relationship structures outside of monogamy, some couples are now thinking about opening up their relationships. It isn’t about swinging or an affair. It’s about the possibility of maintaining multiple, concurrent relationships – a practice known as polyamory.
As our understanding of relationship structures evolves, I find myself talking people through what other options might be available to them. Polyamory is not “ethical swinging”. It is a distinct philosophy of relating, promising deep fulfilment for some, while presenting unique psychological pitfalls for others.
With Emilio and Jessica, I discussed a crucial distinction. Polyamory is consensually having multiple romantic, loving partners and open relationships, where couples may pursue outside sexual connections but maintain a primary emotional bond.
We discussed that the foundational principle of successful non-monogamy is radical transparency. Everything must be on the table from the start, with the understanding that the conversation never truly ends. As feelings evolve about a new partner, an old dynamic, or something else, so must the dialogue. This is sometimes where the theory crashes into the reality of human emotion.
I have witnessed too many couples where one partner, often after discovering polyamory as a concept, presents it as an ultimatum. When this philosophy is used as a Trojan horse to shame or pressure a partner for “not being open-minded enough”, it does incredible harm. The coerced partner, in a desperate bid to preserve the relationship at their own expense, may concede before being psychologically or emotionally ready. The result is often anxiety, jealousy, depression and self-doubt, masquerading as progressive enlightenment. Jessica saw herself in this description.
A firm, shared understanding of the spirit of ethical polyamory is non-negotiable. It is the autonomy, honesty and abundant care that must extend to all partners. In clinical intervention, we start by exploring the existing relationship. Have there been any betrayals? It must be understood by all parties that cheating is not polyamory. Identifying as polyamorous does not retroactively excuse deceit, as Emilio was attempting to do.
We then explore motivations and potential red flags, which are often magnified in polyamorous contexts. A partner who demands exclusivity from you but not for themselves is revealing a concerning power imbalance, not a polyamorous ethos. So too is the partner who agrees in theory but sabotages in practice: making passive-aggressive comments when you return from a date, scheduling “urgent” conflicts during your time away, booking all of your time up and instilling guilt that feels like punishment. These are signs of an unwillingness to be open to the experience, and this must be acknowledged.
We also examine personal patterns. Some are addicted to “new relationship energy”, the intoxicating honeymoon phase, and jump from partner to partner, discarding connections when the initial high fades. Others approach polyamory as “collectors”, seeking social validation through a roster of desirable partners, objectifying people in the process. These individuals are often already “polysaturated”: they have no real emotional or temporal capacity for another genuine connection. They are chasing an experience, not building a genuine relationship/s.
When done well, however, the results can be beautiful. I have seen primary relationships become more secure and fulfilled, not in spite of outside connections, but because of the intentionality that is present. The caring check-ins, the negotiated boundaries that benefit all can be radical to witness. There is also the practice of compersion (taking joy in a partner’s joy with another), which while it doesn’t occur for everyone, can be incredible to see. Love and care are not seen as finite resources but as expansive capacities. Polyamorous people are not immune to jealousy, but in an ideal scenario they see it as a useful emotion to be understood, a signal pointing to an unmet need or a lurking insecurity.
The success of any relationship – monogamous or polyamorous – hinges on the same pillars of trust, respect, honesty and shared values. Polyamory simply tests their integrity daily. It is a configuration that requires exceptional communication skills, emotional resilience, a promise to be transparent and a commitment to personal accountability.
Emilio and Jessica were unable to stay together as a couple. Too much damage had been done and Emilio was not genuine in his promises to be honest and to continue to be a caring and loving partner to Jessica.
My role is not to advocate for one model over another, but to help people see their options with open eyes. To move into a grounded understanding of what they, and their relationships, truly need to thrive. Polyamory is not a solution for a broken relationship. It is a different way of being in love and connection. It is not for everyone; but for some, it is a conscious and potentially deeply rewarding choice.
*All clients are fictional amalgams
