My husband doesn’t want to give up his mistress. Should I settle for half his heart? | Leading questions

5 hours ago 7

I just discovered by chance, and to my complete surprise, after more than 20 years of what I thought was a happy and faithful marriage, that my husband has had a year-long and passionate affair with an accomplished, charming, brilliant career woman whom I also regarded as a friend. I am accomplished too, but not nearly at her level, and I am also a bit older and I have less panache than her. I don’t think I can compete with her, and in any case I feel too proud to try.

Here is the thing: he says he doesn’t want to give her up, though he also says he does not want to marry her (she is in any case married though, it seems, in an open marriage). He also says he loves me and wants to remain married to me. I think if I demand he gives her up, he will end up unable to love me. I also think I will barely, or possibly not at all, be able to bear the pain of him continuing to see her. I am so unsure what to do or indeed what I can bear doing. I so don’t want to lose him. I have been deeply in love with him ever since we first met. Do I give him the world in return for half his heart?

Eleanor says: “I so don’t want to lose him.” I could reach through the screen and hug you.

It’d be one thing if your question was “Should I take a chance on a nonmonogamous arrangement when I’m not sure how I’ll feel about it?” or, “Should I stay in a marriage after the love has gone because it’s too socially and financially costly to leave?” (I think we too readily dismiss the possibility that that’s fine.)

Your question was: “Should I do something that I am fairly sure I will not be able to bear?” Even the way you framed it, as though you’re the one making demands: “If I demand he gives her up, he will end up unable to love me.” Why isn’t he the one making demands of you? Why isn’t he afraid that you might not be able to love him?

I know you don’t want to lose him. I know that genuine love can do that to us. You still feel deeply in love with someone after they hurt you; from some views, that’s the truest love there is. People might howl simplistic insistences that you shouldn’t keep loving someone who’s hurt you, but I think you can. I think there are some situations where it’s precisely because of our profound regard for a person that we can love them even though it hurts us.

But it sounds as if you are so concerned about losing him, you are considering losing yourself. This bit is the mistake. It’s at least possible that there’d be life for you after him. There is no such thing as a life for you after you.

You’re wondering how he’ll react if you say no. But how will you react if you say yes? What will you teach yourself by doing that?

You teach yourself that being caused unbearable pain is an acceptable price to pay. You teach yourself that it’s OK to be married to someone who does not see your unbearable pain as a disqualifying consideration. You teach yourself that your wellbeing matters less than his.

There is some part of ourselves that we answer to with our self-respect. It’s the part that existed before and outside our relationships, our careers, outside the panic of what we might lose right now. It’s the part that feels kind of unblinking, eternal. All of us know, really, whether we can look that part of ourselves in the eye.

If you said yes, could you feel as though you’d stood tall at the helm of that decision? Could you tell that deep part of yourself that you’d tried to do right by them?

If you say no, it’s not impossible that he blinks first. If he genuinely feels the possibility of losing you, that might finally make him fear it. Many’s the spouse who’s gone into paroxysms of realisation once the house is finally empty. It’s also possible your prediction is correct, and that in a forced choice he will leave you. That would be a catastrophic pain. But he is not the person you need to focus most on not losing; you are.