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Many of us desire deeper relationships. What we don’t always agree on is how close is too close. Dating advice often casts intimacy as a tightrope – pull back too much, or push for more. Either move is read as a red flag. Between discussions of incompatible attachment styles, the importance of boundaries and the dangers of love-bombing, it’s easy to get the impression there’s a correct level of closeness to aim for.
In truth, intimacy isn’t one-size-fits-all and comfort levels vary – not just between individuals, but across their relationships.
In her new book, The Balancing Act, therapist and relationships expert Nedra Glover Tawwab challenges the most pernicious myths about connection, distinguishes between healthy and unhealthy dependency in a relationship, and shows how we can learn to lean on other people without losing ourselves.
You can’t learn to be with others in isolation
People are often advised to stay single until they are ready for a relationship, or know how to be alone. The trouble is, many important relational skills can only be learned by doing, Tawwab says.
“What you like, what you don’t like, how to deal with other people and have disagreements: those things are learned in relationships,” she says. “Unfortunately, when we’re alone, we’re not getting any practice.”
It’s great to develop awareness of your behaviour and patterns with other people, such as through therapy; but “if you don’t figure out how to be in relationships, you will be without them”, Tawwab says.
That’s not to say you should feel obliged to start dating, or jump into a romance before you feel ready, she adds. All types of relationships and interactions present opportunities to learn about other people and ourselves.
“If I learned to manage my trust issues with a co-worker, I can take that to a romantic relationship, or a friendship, or a family relationship.”
Those transferable skills are another reason to seek out connection, take social risks and resist the tide toward self-isolation.
‘Dependency’ isn’t a dirty word
Being codependent in relationships is widely understood to be a bad thing. Lately “enmeshment” – a psychological concept describing the blurring of personal boundaries within a relationship – has taken off online as something to watch for, and avoid.
But even enmeshment “isn’t all bad”, Tawwab says. “When we start dating someone, we do get into this little enmeshed silo, and it’s great – for a time.”
In the longer term, or as a consistent approach, being over-reliant in relationships – having unrealistic expectations of a partner, and feeling entangled with them at the expense of your own identity – is unhealthy, Tawwab says.
But widespread resistance to being needy or dependent on a relationship is stoked by a culture that vaunts independence and autonomy, often to a disingenuous degree, she says.
In truth, no one and nothing exists in isolation, Tawwab points out. “Our clothes, our groceries, everything that comes into our homes – it is all from other people. We’re already dependent.”
Being under-reliant – resisting making yourself vulnerable, refusing support and seeking “to do everything on your own” – is just as much a barrier to deep and meaningful connections.
“The healthy version of dependency is being able to have a support system, exercise boundaries, and notice when something is becoming codependent and make some adjustments,” Tawwab says.
We’re not doomed to repeat our patterns …
That ability to assess our relationships, how we feel within them and make changes where we need to is key to having healthy relationships – and it’s possible to learn.
Often, dating advice can paint people as fundamentally “unavailable”, “avoidant” and otherwise doomed to repeat their historic behaviours. But that doesn’t mean it’s fixed, Tawwab says.
“We can use attachment styles as a crutch: ‘This is the way I am.’ In actuality, you can change your attachment style, and it shows up differently based on who the relationship is with.”
Understanding that can be a positive step towards changing our instinctual responses in relationships, and feeling safe enough to let people in or allow them space.
… but we can’t always trust our instincts
Though attachment styles aren’t consistent or immutable, our past experiences often play a part in how we experience closeness.
For example, you might think your partner is overly involved with their family, but only they can judge whether it’s healthy, Tawaab says. “Sometimes it’s just a close-knit family, and because you don’t have one, you see it as a bad thing.”
Those differing expectations and comfort levels can be challenging to navigate, especially in the early stages of dating. “If I’m an avoidant, and I’m watching someone show up their relationships in a secure way, it’s going to make me uncomfortable.”
But only following our instincts and doing what comes naturally can work against us forming deep connections, and keep us stuck, Tawwab says.
Instead of acting on your impulse to press for closeness or pull away, she suggests cultivating curiosity about what prompts it – and perhaps choosing a different response.
“If you notice you’re anxious and think, ‘Oh my gosh, it’s happening again,’ ask yourself … How can I show up differently with this person? What things do I say that might spark some of that anxiety?”
You may find that your fears are self-perpetuating, or that you’re more responsible for creating that familiar dynamic than you think.
As an avoidant, Tawwab says, she used to have a checklist of criteria even for prospective friends: “It was exhausting.” Now that she’s become more comfortable with intimacy, she has become better at recognising her sorts of people.
Relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all – or even 50-50
What one person finds smothering might feel supportive to someone else, meaning it pays to be aware of what degree of closeness or space suits you, Tawwab says.
But being clear about your needs in a relationship does not remove the need for compromise and taking responsibility for getting them met. “People think they can just tell someone, ‘Here are all the things you need to do to be in a relationship with me,’” Tawwab says. “Actually, if we want to be in those relationships, we have to show up a certain way.”
Sometimes we can penalise partners for failing to meet all of our needs, or even expectations we haven’t expressed. “We get upset because they can’t be what we need them to be … and it gets us into a lot of trouble in our relationships,” Tawwab says.
Even aiming for equality can be too lofty a goal, failing to account for individual styles and differences. In all relationships, not just romantic ones, “there are some things that one person does well, and some things that the other does well”.
For example, your partner might be a great listener but useless at texting, while your best friend can be an emotional rock and refuse to speak at your wedding. “It doesn’t mean they’re terrible people,” Tawwab says.
Instead of keeping score, or striving for 50-50, seek to accommodate and accept other people as they are, while remaining conscious of your own red lines.
Trust how you feel – but don’t shy from friction
Ultimately, Tawwab says, the best measure of whether a relationship is healthy is how it makes you feel.
That’s not to say that we can’t be blind to warning signs, or our instincts can’t lead us astray. Some connections feel strong because they are familiar, not necessarily in a productive or positive way, she says.
If trusted friends or family spot things about your partner or relationship you haven’t noticed, and have concerns about how you’re being treated, “that is something to listen to”, she says.
But if you feel safe, respected, and free to express yourself and seek outside support, “I would say that’s a pretty healthy relationship,” Tawwab says. “You honour their boundaries, they honour yours, you can have disagreements and argue, and it’s still safe.”
Some feelings of discomfort, and even friction, are just part of being in relationships with other people, and often a marker of growth, Tawwab says.
She used to be so rigid about planning her time, she was utterly thrown by a date suggesting they see a movie later that day. “That’s when I realised: I need to work through that.”
Now that Tawwab has kids, she’s glad she did, she says. “It was good practice.”
The Balancing Act: Creating Healthy Dependency and Connection Without Losing Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab is published on 10 February by Piatkus
