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On Thursday night, late-night hosts remarked on the Jeffrey Epstein investigations, the threat of a US attack on Iran and Donald Trump nominating a wellness influencer as the next US surgeon general.
Seth Meyers
Meyers focused on the president’s criticisms of a landmark 2015 deal between Iran and world powers in which in the country agreed to curb their nuclear program. “I’ve been making lots of wonderful deals, great deals,” Trump said. “That’s what I do. Never in my life have I seen any transaction so incompetently negotiated as our deal with Iran.”
Meyers took the opportunity to factcheck this. “Your companies went bankrupt six times,” he remarked, before listing Trump’s failed business ventures including Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump Vitamins and Trump: The Game, a Trumpified version of Monopoly. “Seriously, can you imagine sitting at home and playing this with your family?” asked the host. “‘Oh, looks like I landed on Community Chest.’ It says: ‘Uh oh, you slept with a pornstar! Pay $130,000.’”
Meyers went on to discuss the inefficacy of US strikes on Iran’s nuclear facilities in June 2025 as part of “Operation Midnight Hammer”, which reportedly only set the country’s nuclear efforts back half a year. “All that for six months?” The host reacted. “Are you sure it wasn’t ‘Operation Midnight Love Tap’?”
In response to questions around the attacks, Republicans sent out one of what Meyers sarcastically called “one of their top notch communicators”, Markwayne Mullin, a US senator from Oklahoma. Responding to a CNN host who asked why further attacks on Iran have been necessary if the nuclear program was obliterated, Mullin responded: “People have car accidents and obliterate their bones and their legs, and yet, you know, they can still put metal back in ‘em and walk again.”
“Nothing is a bigger bummer when someone throws a ‘you know’ into a sentence and you have no idea what they’re talking about,” said Meyers. “In your life, have you hear anyone say that they obliterated their bones and had metal put in so they could walk again?”
“Where does that leave us?” asked Meyers. “We have to bomb them once a year forever, shall we add it to the list? ‘Remember, every February we gotta change the batteries in the smoke detectors, get the tires rotated and bomb the [bleep] out of Iran?’”
Speaking of Trump and his team, Meyers concluded: “These guys speak like they’ve been hit on the head with a midnight hammer.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel addressed the “ridiculousness” of the House hearing questioning Hillary Clinton’s supposed ties to Jeffrey Epstein despite the fact that the former secretary of state is only mentioned occasionally in the Epstein files.
“She never even met Jeffrey Epstein, but they kept her there and questioned her for more than six hours today,” remarked the host. “They haul her in there, and then they ask her about UFOs and Pizzagate. These people couldn’t get a job running a Chuck-E-Cheese, let along Pizzagate.
“Or, they could bring in someone who Epstein called his closet friend, someone who likes women on the younger side: someone like this gentleman in the pink tie,” Kimmel said, playing a video of a friendly encounter between Epstein and Trump wearing a fuchsia tie.
Kimmel then turned to another sexual abuse case that has been making headlines: the co-inventor of the Squatty Potty, Robert Edwards, has been arrested for allegedly buying child sexual abuse material. “Who could have ever guessed that this man might possibly be a weirdo,” said the host, showing a picture of Edwards wearing a suit and demonstrating how to use the restroom helper.
“I’m not sure how prison works, but I’m pretty sure that it’s not a good idea to get locked up for child pornography and be the Squatty Potty guy at the same time,” added Kimmel.
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert described himself as “still reeling” from Trump’s State of the Union address earlier that week, noting that ratings were down 11%. “If I were CBS, I’d cancel him,” the host quipped, referencing his own recent censorship dispute with The Late Show’s network.
Colbert moved on to discuss the Middle East by noting that the region is on a knife-edge after … a camel beauty contest was hit by a botox cheating scandal. After lighthearted remarks on the bizarre story, the host moved to discuss US-Iran tensions, playing a clip of the special envoy to the Middle East, Steve Witkoff, on Fox News, where he claimed that Iran was a week away from having industrial-grade bomb making material.
This doesn’t align with Trump’s claims last year that the US had “completely obliterated” the country’s nuclear facilities. Reacting to a Politico headline that read “America prepares for war”, Colbert responded: “America is not preparing for war. America is going with some friends to see Scream 7. Can we put a pin in war for now? If that’s OK, that’s what America would like.” The audience clapped and cheered.
“Trump might be poised to launch a war against a nation of 93 million people, but as far as I can tell this administration has done exactly squat to make a case for it,” Colbert said.
Colbert then turned to Casey Means, Trump’s nominee for surgeon general and a wellness influencer who the host described as a “white lady on the internet who owns a blender”.
Noting that Means does not have an active medical license to treat patients, Colbert responded: “If we’re going to pick a surgeon general who isn’t licensed, why not go with Noah Wyle?”
