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Late-night hosts reacted to a late-stage ceasefire with Iran, after Donald Trump promised “a whole civilization will die tonight” in an extremely alarming post.
Jimmy Kimmel
Tuesday was just “another crazy day here in the United States of America!” said Jimmy Kimmel, after the president promised, then called off, destructive attacks in Iran by 8pm that evening. “Probably the most dangerous episode of the Celebrity Apprentice yet. Today was D-Day – in this case, the D stands for dementia, but it was D-Day.”
“We’re coming to you from Los Angeles for the local time’s just after 5pm, which was Trump’s deadline for Iran to ‘Open the F-ing strait or you’ll be living in hell,’” the host explained. “He gave a hard cut-off time of right now. And then this morning he wrote, ‘A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again,’” in a post on his social media platform Truth Social.
“You realize that this is the same man who was just bitching about losing the Nobel peace prize?” Kimmel marveled. “Now he’s threatening a civilization with death. He went from Mahatma Gandhi to General Zod like that.
“So all day today everyone, most notably the people of Iran, were wondering if their civilization was going to die tonight,” he continued. “Well, good news, it didn’t. It was the Taco Tuesday of all Taco Tuesdays. Our president decided not to drop the chalupa for at least another two weeks.
“This is how it goes every single time Trump says something insane” he added. “He says, ‘I’m going to kill everybody tomorrow at 5pm.’ Then we all freak out and then he backs off. He’s like, ‘You know what? Actually, I’ll kill everyone in two weeks.’ Then we relax, and then he forgets he ever said it in the first place. He has the memory and the skin color of a goldfish.”
Perhaps the worst part, Kimmel said, was “how relaxed the congressional Republicans are about it. Now he threatens to annihilate a civilization, they’re like ‘Well, you know how he is. He’s a big talker! He yaps.’”
The comedian also observed, through a series of clips, that it’s “always two weeks” with Trump. “He’s like a conscientious employee. He always gives two weeks’ notice.”
But as of Tuesday night, “no one has any idea of what the plan is. This afternoon the White House press secretary said only the president knows where things stand and what he will do.
“And I don’t even believe he knows that,” Kimmel concluded. “Trump said he would decimate Iranian power plants in such a way that they will be burning and exploding never to be used again. Just like the toilets at Mar-a-Lago. And attacking civilian power plants is a war crime under the Geneva accords. I guess he figures he’s done all the other crimes, he might as well do the war ones, too.
Stephen Colbert
And on the Late Show, Stephen Colbert avoided getting into the war with Iran by turning first to the space mission Artemis II, now on its way home. “That’s great, glad to hear that everything is working out, but how do I put this, fellas … not a great time to return to Earth,” he joked. “You might want to take a couple laps around the parking lot, till the explosions stop.”
The astronauts have already traveled further from Earth than anyone before, “which means that humanity finally has enough miles to reach diamond medallion status,” the host quipped. “Now, we can all get into the moon’s sapphire reserve lounge. They have three kinds of citrus water and those little wasabi peas.”
The spaceship made it 252,756 miles from Earth – or, as the New York Times put it, the length of 728 million dachshunds, put nose-to-tail. “Man, Americans will do anything to not use the metric system,” Colbert quipped.
After several more minutes of space joy diversions, Colbert reluctantly returned to Earth, where Trump “was so frustrated with the war in Iran that in a post on Sunday, he dropped an f-bomb and apparently converted to Islam”, he said, referring to one especially inflammatory Trump post on Truth Social. (The US president posted: “Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP.”)
And then there was Trump’s ominous Tuesday morning post, in which he claimed that “a whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again”.
“OK, that is very upsetting by any measure,” said Colbert. “But I also want to point out that he doesn’t say which civilization will die tonight. Because ours has been seen wandering on a highway overpass.”
